new goals, new me

I've written before about my body obsession/neglect.

I say obsession, because my body is pretty much all I think about when I get up in the morning, when I get dressed, when I go out. To give a more accurate description, I think about the disdain I have for my body. When I go out, I'm always wondering how many people will look at my body and judge. Did they notice the pimple that is exactly one quarter of an inch below my hairline? Do they see that my belly isn't flat? Did they see the sausage arms and granny wobble? Have they noticed that my boobs are sagging just a little bit more than last year? Do they notice how big they are (really, come on, can anyone NOT notice that?)?

Neglect because, well, I know that there is improvement needed to be made on my body, but I don't have the time... nor the energy. I really do care... but I don't want to care. I'm a busy girl. I have 3 kids (yes, I realize that there are people with more than three kids who are svelte and beautiful), I work part time (again, I realize that there are full time working women who blah blah blah), I have a husband who works ridiculous hours, and frankly, I would rather spend my time worrying about them and caring for them than on me. I would much rather concentrate on the people around me than to look at myself in the mirror and confront what I loathe.

I realize that this is an incredibly unhealthy way to view myself, but it is what it is. There are so many things that I see wrong with myself that I find it difficult to even fathom that there might be some beauty behind all of the flaws. I don't want to feel that way anymore.

My husband will sometimes tell me that I'm beautiful. You know what I do? I laugh. It's an uncontrollable laugh that comes from deep inside. I think he's getting tired of being laughed at. I guess I don't blame him. I haven't exactly been gracious in accepting his compliments. But really... beautiful?

I don't see myself as a having any resemblance of beauty. Beauty is not what stares back in the mirror. Whether my views are correct or not, I want to change them. I want my husband to look at me, tell me I'm beautiful and be able to agree. Can that happen?

Tomorrow I am going to embark on a new journey. My goal is to learn to love myself. My hope is that once I learn to love myself, I will take better care of myself. And then once I take better care of myself, I can take better care of my family.

I'll send you a note along the way...