a plane ticket, some gypsies and paradise

It was such a lovely evening, I decided to sit outside and wait for my husband to come home from work. My sitting immediately became laying, and I ended up inside of an open trailer looking up at the sky. I spent hours {ok, it was really just minutes} gazing at this expanse of blue sky swirled with white clouds. I watched as these clouds slowly made their way from the southwest to the southeast above me. They seemed so free. I know that's silly... clouds aren't 'free' from anything... but it was carefree, I guess. As I continued my cloud gazing, an airplane came across my view. It was a jet, heading who-knows-where, but I continued to think about this plane long after it disappeared from sight.

I wondered about the passengers and pilots. I wondered if they could see me laying there watching them {I know they couldn't.. but I still thought about it} and I wondered who it actually was on that plane? Where exactly were they going? I convinced myself it was someplace stress free and beautiful. Someplace far from responsibility. Someplace quiet. I quickly found myself being envious and wishing I could go wherever they were going. It had to be better than where I was.

My day was pretty stressful. My mom came to pick the kids and me up this morning to go shopping. I had a specific place I wanted to go and specific things I needed {wanted} to get done. We spent the entire day out and about. I was exhausted. My mom was exhausted. And all three kids? They were beyond exhausted... and I probably would have given them away. Really? Really. Wrong? Probably. Reality? Definitely not. But I felt that way. It was a long day and I had pushed them to the limit. Over the limit, really. And after I yelled, and threatened, and behaved in such an adult manner {insert laughter here}, I still felt stressed and ready to give them to gypsies.

That was earlier.

But tonight, after our full to the hilt day, an evening of dinner and ice cream at The Udder Choice, jammies and bedtime, I spent some time loving on those kids who I would have traded. I cuddled up to my 8 year old, kissed him all over his freckled face, told him that I loved him and said that he was my absolute "favorite Ethan". I told him how smart, cool, and amazing he was and how wrong I was to yell. I apologized. He told me it was ok. I told him it wasn't.

I walked down the hall into my {not so} little girl's room and told her I loved her and how happy I was that she was born. I told her that if she was never born and I never knew her, my life wouldn't be as full and colorful as it is now. I told her how thankful I am that she is mine. She beamed.

Remind me, why did I want to leave? And why, again, did I even let the thought of not having them enter my mind?

I really don't remember. I'm sure at some point it might revisit and rear its ugly head, but for now, I have the best kids in the world and I wouldn't trade them for anything. Not even a plane ticket to paradise.

They are my paradise.

owie

I feel like someone cut my foot open, cut my bone apart, screwed it back together and stitched my foot closed... oh, wait, that is what happened.

I had foot surgery yesterday and today I'm wondering why. Why did I subject myself to this torture? While I lay in bed on my back with my foot propped up on 3 pillows, I've been thinking through all of my past surgeries and child births and rating them {on a scale of 1-10}. It's really not doing me any good. But what I have realized is that I preferred my appendectomy to this.

I'm praying that this Vicodin kicks in. So far it hasn't...

a case of the crazies

Recently, I was reading some blogs and I came across one blogger who posted this article. I found it very insightful and incredibly interesting. This article touched on a few things that I could definitely relate to... and it explains so much... Read on and then share your thoughts.

Creative minds 'mimic schizophrenia'

By Michelle Roberts

Health reporter, BBC News

Creativity is akin to insanity, say scientists who have been studying how the mind works.

Brain scans reveal striking similarities in the thought pathways of highly creative people and those with schizophrenia.

Both groups lack important receptors used to filter and direct thought.

It could be this uninhibited processing that allows creative people to "think outside the box", say experts from Sweden's Karolinska Institute.

In some people, it leads to mental illness.

But rather than a clear division, experts suspect a continuum, with some people having psychotic traits but few negative symptoms.

Art and suffering

Some of the world's leading artists, writers and theorists have also had mental illnesses - the Dutch painter Vincent van Gogh and American mathematician John Nash (portrayed by Russell Crowe in the film A Beautiful Mind) to name just two.

Creativity is known to be associated with an increased risk of depression, schizophrenia and bipolar disorder.

Similarly, people who have mental illness in their family have a higher chance of being creative.

Associate Professor Fredrik Ullen believes his findings could help explain why.

He looked at the brain's dopamine (D2) receptor genes which experts believe govern divergent thought.

He found highly creative people who did well on tests of divergent thought had a lower than expected density of D2 receptors in the thalamus - as do people with schizophrenia.

The thalamus serves as a relay centre, filtering information before it reaches areas of the cortex, which is responsible, amongst other things, for cognition and reasoning.

"Fewer D2 receptors in the thalamus probably means a lower degree of signal filtering, and thus a higher flow of information from the thalamus," said Professor Ullen.

“Creative people, like those with psychotic illnesses, tend to see the world differently to most. It's like looking at a shattered mirror” Mark Millard, UK psychologist

He believes it is this barrage of uncensored information that ignites the creative spark.

This would explain how highly creative people manage to see unusual connections in problem-solving situations that other people miss.

Schizophrenics share this same ability to make novel associations. But in schizophrenia, it results in bizarre and disturbing thoughts.

UK psychologist and member of the British Psychological Society Mark Millard said the overlap with mental illness might explain the motivation and determination creative people share.

"Creativity is uncomfortable. It is their dissatisfaction with the present that drives them on to make changes.

"Creative people, like those with psychotic illnesses, tend to see the world differently to most. It's like looking at a shattered mirror. They see the world in a fractured way.

"There is no sense of conventional limitations and you can see this in their work. Take Salvador Dali, for example. He certainly saw the world differently and behaved in a way that some people perceived as very odd."

He said businesses have already recognised and capitalised on this knowledge.

Some companies have "skunk works" - secure, secret laboratories for their highly creative staff where they can freely experiment without disrupting the daily business.

Chartered psychologist Gary Fitzgibbon says an ability to "suspend disbelief" is one way of looking at creativity.

"When you suspend disbelief you are prepared to believe anything and this opens up the scope for seeing more possibilities.

"Creativity is certainly about not being constrained by rules or accepting the restrictions that society places on us. Of course the more people break the rules, the more likely they are to be perceived as 'mentally ill'."

He works as an executive coach helping people to be more creative in their problem solving behaviour and thinking styles.

"The result is typically a significant rise in their well being, so as opposed to creativity being associated with mental illness it becomes associated with good mental health."

it seems like yesterday

Do you recognize these kids?

I was going through my file of photos and came across these gems. It feels as though a lifetime has gone by since these were taken, but yet, it feels just like yesterday that these two were little {like in these pictures}. By the looks of them, I think these were taken when Maya was about 4 or early 5, so Ethan would have been 2 or 3... 5 or 6 years ago... oh my.

Time flies... I want it to slow down a bit. Or maybe I'M the one who needs to slow down a bit and enjoy my babies.

Aren't they so stinkin' cute?

my happiness

i'm tying to get happy right now. so, i thought i'd bring you my list of ''happiness".

{1} a good night's sleep.

this certainly does not happen a lot around this house {at least not since the birth of baby #1 ten years ago}. but when it does? it's so sweet. and waking up with my husband is an added bonus. that happens even less than the good night's sleep.

{2} making someone smile

... do i have to elaborate?

{3} a clean house.

having a clean house has a therapeutic effect on my brain. my mental health is sometimes determined by the amount of junk left all over my house, the number of dust bunnies running amuck and the depth of the laundry piled in baskets.

{4} hearing my kids laugh.

have you met my kids? if you have, you understand. if you haven't, you are truly missing out!

{5} my husband telling me i'm beautiful and kissing me.

he still gives me butterflies.

{6} spending time talking with good friends.

my favorite times are being one on one with a friend talking about life, love and sharing stories, thoughts, and convictions. i've never been one for large groups of people, but if you get me with a great friend (male or female), i could sit there for hours.

{7} a really super duper thick chocolate shake.

it's pure happiness you can {barely} suck through a straw. yum.

{8} spring breezes.

i love the smell of spring. i really don't think there is anything more energizing to me then the smell of a beautiful spring morning.

{9} a cardigan and a pair of ballet flats.

i adore cardigans... a little too much, sometimes. and i really adore a cute pair of ballet flats. they are classic, pretty and very girlie.

{10} driving a jeep.

recently, i was able to drive a jeep around the block. it was so quick, but in that time, my head was able to be cleared and i just was able to relax and just be. my husband loves to ride motorcycles for that reason. Until I drove that jeep, I didn't completely understand the feeling of freedom, time to think and time to just be. i had a jeep once upon a time... and i'm waiting for the day when i have one again and i'm able to escape for a few moments.

some clarity

This past week, I spent my days at one of my favorite places on Earth... Harvey Cedars Bible Conference in Harvey Cedars, NJ. I went with the intention of loving on my girls, spending time with them and getting to know the rest of our group a little bit better. I did all of those things... plus a little more.

I went into this week knowing that God was about to do some amazing stuff in the lives of these teenagers. I knew that He would touch their hearts and speak to them in a real way. I wasn't wrong. But what I didn't realize was that he was going to do the same thing for me. I didn't realize that I would leave HCBC changed. I didn't realize the extent in which I devalued myself.

But you know what? He changed my heart. He changed my thinking. He rocked my world so that it was inline with HIS world.

Last night our group went to a secluded part of Long Beach Island. To say that it was beautiful would be a complete understatement. This place that we visited was a completely different world. It was a place for clarity of thought. It was magical.

It was at this section of beach where I realized that the beauty that God created trickled down from the heavens and stars, to the ocean and waves, to the marine life and sandy beaches, to the people who walked the shores. He created all these things beautifully. I'm included in that!

I didn't think much of myself. I'm not the brightest. I'm not tall and thin. I'm not beautiful. I don't have a lot to offer. But God created me in HIS image. In scripture, it says that Jesus was not anything great to look at {paraphrased of course}. He wasn't a handsome man. But really? My Jesus is the most beautiful person that I know. And I'm created to be just like him! How can I not think more of myself when I'm created to be just like the most beautiful person who has ever walked this earth?

I have people in my life who insist on tearing me down. There are people who think they know me and who think that I'm not good enough for whatever it is. But the truth? I am good

enough.

And I'm not what they think I am. But instead, I'm what God says I am.