new goals, new me

I've written before about my body obsession/neglect.

I say obsession, because my body is pretty much all I think about when I get up in the morning, when I get dressed, when I go out. To give a more accurate description, I think about the disdain I have for my body. When I go out, I'm always wondering how many people will look at my body and judge. Did they notice the pimple that is exactly one quarter of an inch below my hairline? Do they see that my belly isn't flat? Did they see the sausage arms and granny wobble? Have they noticed that my boobs are sagging just a little bit more than last year? Do they notice how big they are (really, come on, can anyone NOT notice that?)?

Neglect because, well, I know that there is improvement needed to be made on my body, but I don't have the time... nor the energy. I really do care... but I don't want to care. I'm a busy girl. I have 3 kids (yes, I realize that there are people with more than three kids who are svelte and beautiful), I work part time (again, I realize that there are full time working women who blah blah blah), I have a husband who works ridiculous hours, and frankly, I would rather spend my time worrying about them and caring for them than on me. I would much rather concentrate on the people around me than to look at myself in the mirror and confront what I loathe.

I realize that this is an incredibly unhealthy way to view myself, but it is what it is. There are so many things that I see wrong with myself that I find it difficult to even fathom that there might be some beauty behind all of the flaws. I don't want to feel that way anymore.

My husband will sometimes tell me that I'm beautiful. You know what I do? I laugh. It's an uncontrollable laugh that comes from deep inside. I think he's getting tired of being laughed at. I guess I don't blame him. I haven't exactly been gracious in accepting his compliments. But really... beautiful?

I don't see myself as a having any resemblance of beauty. Beauty is not what stares back in the mirror. Whether my views are correct or not, I want to change them. I want my husband to look at me, tell me I'm beautiful and be able to agree. Can that happen?

Tomorrow I am going to embark on a new journey. My goal is to learn to love myself. My hope is that once I learn to love myself, I will take better care of myself. And then once I take better care of myself, I can take better care of my family.

I'll send you a note along the way...

To love, honor and listen

I have a guilty pleasure of watching Say Yes To The Dress on TLC. It's a show about a bridal salon in New York City and it follows the consultants while meeting with engaged woman searching for the perfect dress. I love watching it. I love watching the emotion of finding that perfect dress. I love how each woman finds one dress that is gorgeous and accentuates their beauty. I love the styles... and I secretly think about what I would wear now if I were in their shoes (or dress).

When Mike and I got married, we said that we wanted to renew our vows when we reached 10 years of marriage. We've been married for 11 years and 363 days. There was no renewal ceremony. But, I plan on one eventually. Perhaps in 3 years when we hit 15 years...

Anyway, as I was sitting beside my beloved watching this show and dreaming of a new dress, I began to tell him my dreams. I told him that I wanted to find a beautiful dress that fits my personality and makes me feel beautiful. I want to walk down the aisle to him, again. I want to declare my love to him and to renew my promise to love, honor and cherish him until the day I die. I want our children to be apart of our ceremony and have my daughter be my maid of honor. This is my dream.

My husband looked up at me and spoke.

He said "Huh, what? I wasn't listening."

...grr.

Let me ask you a question...

To whom ever reads my blog,

Let me ask you a question... how do you know when God is actually speaking to you?

I ask this because my husband and I have been in discussion about a possible change in our family. Now, don't jump to conclusions... it's all talk and there is a lot to think about before anything happens. But while I was contemplating this decision, I was thinking to myself/praying to God for His will to be perfectly obvious. I asked that if this is something that we should do, that I need a definite sign that Yes, This is what I want you to do. I think I even said that an email would be good... well, I didn't get an email, but I got an article in the paper this morning.

So, do I pursue? Is that my answer? It seems just too simple.

What do you think?

Short lived?

My husband is the most hard working, dedicated, amazingly sexy man I've ever met. I love that man probably more than any human being should love another.

The last 9 years of my life, I have been a Boilermaker's wife. In the beginning of Boilermaker World, my husband would work work work A LOT and then he would be laid off for an unknown amount of time. Usually a few day went by until he was called back to work again, sometimes a few weeks. This was a way of life and it was understood that there would be days after a job was completed that he would be home. The longest he was home was 7 months.... that was a long time ...and a long time ago.

Forward 4 years and you find him at the Boilermaker's National Competition in Kansas City, KS. He was one of two from the northeast who went to compete against other Boilermakers around the country. In Boilermaker Land, this is a HUGE deal. Well, my husband won that competition. He took the trophy and the national recognition. After that experience, we was able to go "steady" with a contractor... which means that he works for one contractor and they find work for him to do... so he has steady employment. What an amazing blessing.

So four years have passed since he went steady with Nooter, and now we find ourselves in a familiar, but unfamiliar situation, again. He has been laid off. It's been so long since we've sat in this seat. I am thankful for the time he will be home. He just got done with an outage last week. For those who don't know Boilermaker talk, an outage is when the power plant or refinery schedules time for maintenance to be done on the equipment in the plants. Outages usually consist of a working schedule of 6 or 7 days a week, 12 hours a day. Plus, you have to factor in the hour plus drive back and forth. Outage season is rough... for all involved. So, I am thankful for some time to spend with my love. There's usually very little time that he has to spend at home with us. I'm excited.

He's been home for 3 days.

I may have to kill him.

I am a self proclaimed non-morning person. I don't do mornings. At all. My husband works better in the morning. I sent my alarm for a time that is suitable for me to hit the snooze button for about 45 minutes. His alarm beeps twice and he's up and ready to go. I am able to hit my snooze and get myself out of bed in time to get two children up, dressed, fed and out of the door in time for the bus. I've got it down to a science... usually. Today the alarm went off at 6:15. Guess who was out of bed. Guess who wasn't.

I guess I should fill you in on my little addiction. My little secret... I can not sleep without my fan. This fan has run every night since I was little. It makes a lovely noise and circulates the air beautifully. It is my comfort and it goes everywhere with me. Literally. It packs in my suitcase. This fan is so important that one night right after Mike and I were married, my fan broke. So, I trucked myself to the nearest Walmart, at midnight, to purchase a new fan. It's that important.

This morning my husband woke up at the first beep of the alarm, I remained snug in bed hitting the snooze and my fan whirled around. Then it happened. He came into the room and shut my fan off.

Can I tell you how ticked off I was when he did that? It completely ruined my entire morning ritual. Listen Mr. Chipper-in-the-morning, don't mess with my fan. I'm glad you're home and everything, but you're new here.

I calmly came down the stairs (after I finally got up) and very calmly told him that if he planned on living, he should never EVER touch my fan again. I'm not a violent person, but I will have to hurt you.

I'm hoping that my joy of having my husband home isn't short lived. I want to enjoy my time with him... but leave my fan alone.

I have issues.

it's the little things...

After a very trying month with crazy work schedules, crazy activity schedules, bad attitudes, mouthy kids and too much yelling, I told my son that I thought he was a pretty cool kid. His response? "Well, I think you're a pretty cool mom." Ah.... that made my heart skip, melt, and sing all in the same moment.

I haven't set out to be the 'cool mom'. In fact, most of the time I'm pretty sure I'm not the cool one. But, I try to be fair and I try to look at life through their eyes. It's amazing how perspective changes when you grow up and become an adult. Unfortunately, it's not always for the better. In fact, as an adult, I find that I've lost the joy that my kids have... and sometimes I think I steal that joy from them. Most of the time, I'm armed with a critical spirit and a perfectionist attitude that towers over them. The combination of the two tends to end in disaster. I'm trying to change that.

This evening was the elementary school's PTO fundraiser at our local Dairy Queen. Thursdays are usually a busy evening as my husband and I are in the middle of a class that meets on Thursday evenings. But today, I decided that I was going to let my kids have fun being kids, be with their friends and go to DQ for dinner. Oh, I should mention that there is a dunk tank and both of my children's teachers were sitting in the hot seat. So they had to go.. they had to get a chance to dunk their teachers. On the way to our destination, I told the kids they could have whatever they wanted to eat. After I said it, I started to rethink my choice of words, but ultimately decided to follow through and let them have whatever they wanted. Their choice? Ice cream, of course! So, tonight, I let my children have ice cream for dinner. Really, would it kill them?

I know that there was some judgement from some people that my choice in allowing my kids to have just ice cream for dinner was a poor decision. But you know what? It was one night of joy for them. It was a night that I'm pretty sure they would remember for a long time.

I realized tonight, that to a kid, it's the little things in life that make it great. It's the nights of ice cream for dinner and throwing balls at a target to soak a teacher. It's dancing in the rain and jumping in the puddles when the sun comes out. It's spending those few precious moments holding and hugging instead of washing the dishes. It's playing cat's cradle before going to bed and ignoring that it's 15 minutes past bedtime. It's talking about what made today special and what would they have changed. It's going back in to kiss them goodnight or to pick them up and sing them a few songs so they can settle for the night.

I want to remember that it's the little things that matter. The laundry will wait. The dishes will still be there. But my kids... they won't be kids forever. They won't be here forever. But it's those little moments that they'll remember.

Letting Go

I use to hold on to hurt. I used to hold on to bitterness. I use to hold on to grudges. But that is the past and I don't do that anymore. I won't do that anymore. I shed those chains recently and I am so thankful for the weight to be lifted off my shoulders, my soul and my heart.

I've spent a lot of years holding on to past hurts and letting them change who I am. Those days are over. This weekend was a life changing weekend. I won't get into details, mainly because I can't give them. It was one of those moments that was a complete whirlwind of emotion and prayer, and all I know is that the Holy Spirit had my heart and was tugging on my pain, my hurts, my pride and making my heart let go.