dysfunctional mie

so, I'm just going to type and hopefully it will all make sense.  Well, maybe it won't make "sense," but grammatically speaking, it will.  It's 5:21am on Monday morning.  I was asleep but was awakened by the little boy sleeping down the hall.  He was wet and a bit hungry so I got myself out of bed, changed him and gave him a bottle.  He's asleep now.  I am not.

I'm finding myself heading down a slippery slope the last few weeks.  Some of my friends know this about me, but I tend to not advertise the fact, so a lot of people don't know.  Well, i guess I'm gonna blow the whole secret right now... I kinda have to in order for me to get back to a good place.  I was diagnosed with manic depression and OCD after Maya was born.  I had actually dealt with it for 4 years prior to her birth, but that was when I was diagnosed.  I'd rather not get into specifics about what happened, what I did, how I felt, because I struggle with it everyday and am trying to forget.  I'm usually ok... and if I'm not ok, I can hide it.  I'm good at hiding it.  I think there is only one person who I can't hide it from... no, strike that... there are two people who I can't hide it from.  First one is God.  He made me... He knows me inside and out... better than I know myself.  And the crazy thing about that is that He still loves me.  With all of my stupid habits, bad decisions, crazy thoughts, self loathing... He loves me like no one else could ever possibly love another person.  What a concept to have to try and wrap around your brain.  

The second of those people is my amazing husband.  As I was writing all of this, he was getting ready for work.  He always comes to say goodbye before he leaves the house.. it's our thing.  He comes in the bedroom, wakes me up, kisses me and tells me he loves me.  I usually mumble something that sounds like I love you and be careful.  He won't leave the house until I tell him that.  "I love you and be careful."  Such a simple way to start the day...  It's one of those habits that makes my heart flutter:)  Anyway, because I am wide awake, our morning routine was extended a little bit.  As he sat on my bed, and tears roll down my face, he always knows what to say to snap me out of my mood.  He knows just the right time to deliver the dumbest joke or the silliest suggestion (today was a suggestion to play potty races).  I know that he doesn't understand what goes on in my head and sometimes I don't think he tries to.  sometimes I wish he would, just so he could understand what I go through, but for the majority of the time I'm glad he doesn't.  It's not a good place to be and he doesn't need to have that kind of weight on his shoulders.  So, I struggle alone.  With the exception of today, as I blog my way through it. 

I don't talk about this at all.  Mainly because I feel like someone will try and fix me.   I tried to discuss this once with someone and I was told that I have to control it.  I have the ability to control it.  So let me ask you a question, if I could control something like this on my own, why would I struggle and cry and willingly and knowingly put myself through hell if I could make it go away?  That doesn't make sense.  At all.  I'm not all that bad right now... thankfully.  But it's starting and I don't know what sets it off.  Thankfully, it's not as bas as it could be... i don't feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin, or rip my head off because sound is so loud.   We watched a movie the other night call Rachel Getting Married.  It's not a feel good movie... but i thought it was really good.  Kym is the main character and she struggles with addiction.  It takes her through a weekend when she gets out of rehab, goes home to a house full of guests, he sister getting married and the drama of it all.  I knew what she felt like.  At one point in the movie, she is so desperate and so emotional, she drives full speed into the wooded part of a fork in the road and hits a tree.  I've been there.  I haven't actually driven my car full speed into a tree, but I have thought about it many many times.  I know the cry that she cries.  I know the loneliness and the desperation that she feels.  It sucks.

Mike didn't like the movie.  I kinda knew that was going to happen even before we started it.   But I sooo needed to see it.  I needed to feel like I wasn't the only one that felt that way at times... and  I realize that it was a fictional movie, but it helped.  I saw a lot of myself in Kym.  And it made me start to reevaluate things.  It made me want to work out some things that go on in my mind.  I want those things to go away.  I don't want to feel useless, or worthless, or angry, or weak.  I don't want to be so sensitive to people's comments or actions.  I take everything personally...   the list goes on.

I have a headache now... so I am going to stop this blog and go try to sleep.  Hopefully when I wake up, I'll be refreshed and clear headed...